“Our hearts break. Our efforts, whether healthy or not, have failed. We are belittled, rejected after giving our best. The person we love most in the world denies us their love; c is a drama”.
Thus Marcel Bernier and Marie-Hélène Sicard describe the shock of separation in a recent book “La rupture amour” (ed. Eyrolles, 2017). It must be said that these two clinical psychologists have often helped wounded love heal their wounds.
In any case, they confirm the intensity of the emotions that we can feel: tears, sadness, anger, incomprehension, relief, regret, revolt, jealousy, dejection… In the hours, the days following a breakup, our hearts go through all the colors of the rainbow. What to do, what to say, how to live again ask the youngest who see for the first time a love story dying?
Let her tears flow, recognize her pain
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The first step is quite natural: it is good to let your tears flow , not to keep this tumultuous flow within yourself, to put your suffering into words and to recognize it .
Often, explain Marcel Bernier and Marie-Hélène Sicard in their book, we can be tempted to deny the pain to protect ourselves . To flee in work, alcohol, drugs. But the pain will still come back and you risk hurting yourself even more.
It is true that suffering is not very trendy. Often, those around you also strive to deny your grief with clumsy words: “Don’t put yourself in such a state, it wasn’t worth it”, “Go out, take your mind off it”… And yet: “At the heart of the heartache, the recognition of pain is an essential passage to manage to mourn “, explain the psychologists. Tears are lifesaving, so cry and don’t be afraid to speak up and express your grief!
Express all your emotions, confide
At the same time, don’t lock yourself in your ivory tower. You’ll express your emotions better if you can share them with someone . Try to find a friendly and discreet ear or if not, join a discussion forum , or call an anonymous listening thread such as SOS Amitié… We know less about it , but marriage and family counselors can also receive young people and single people. If you are very ill and it lasts, do not hesitate to consult a psychologist either …
Talking to someone gradually calms down. The sadness is still there, but it is less intense and less likely to suffocate you.
Stop looping memories!
Talking to someone also helps not to rehash the same questions over and over again: “I didn’t know why he left me, he didn’t blame me for anything, I asked myself so many questions but no answers”.
So as not to repeat these same questions over and over again, to escape the torture of memories, try to change your habits a little: if you can, eliminate objects that make you think of your ex, do not return to places where you have experienced things together, change hobbies, place of relaxation, decor, group of friends…
Point of vigilance
However, avoid making overly important decisions and making irremediable choices as long as you are under the influence of emotions. It is not in the storm that one can calmly take stock.
Don’t change your job, your course of study, don’t go on a trip to the other side of the world impulsively, but pursue the course of your life and let the tumult of your heart subside little by little. You will then be able to open yourself to new paths.
It’s over: stop trying to win back your ex…
One of the first steps in healing is therefore to admit the breakup… and therefore to give up trying to pick up the pieces of the relationship. The nostalgia of the good times lived together mixed with the hope of reconquering him or her keeps you in trouble. You keep looking back, which doesn’t help you move forward. If you have been left, you must also accept this great feeling of loss of control , even of injustice that you feel.
“Realism is the first step to take, explains Isabelle Nicolas, marriage counsellor. It is in this phase that we mourn the couple we have formed . back to the concrete, to reality”.
So accept to find yourself alone, still single and without a lover. It’s of course a little hard but it also gives you a freedom that you have to know how to taste. Sometimes, moreover, it was the lack of freedom that caused the breakup: “She was suffocating me, I was not ripe for a life as a couple, I wanted to take advantage of my life as a single student”, recognizes Johann .
And besides, your couple, your darling was it so extraordinary? The return to reality is also an opportunity to take a step back. Didn’t you idealize it a bit? “Many young people think that he (she) was romantic, in love (se) but without any real proof of their partner, the words having never been said openly”, explains Isabelle Nicolas. It’s time to take a more objective look at the one you loved and the relationship you had. This will make it easier for you to tell yourself that it’s over.
Getting to know each other better, gaining emotional maturity
The breakup is an emotional wound that can sometimes awaken childhood wounds and old fears in some people.
” People who have suffered (in their childhood) from the feeling of abandonment are the most affected by breakups” , explain Marcel Bernier and Marie-Hélène Simard. Those who have been teased or humiliated and lack self-confidence may also feel very devalued by the breakup or abandonment.
If the separations are repeated and you suffer a lot, this is an opportunity to reflect on your weaknesses , perhaps with the help of a psychologist. Incidentally, some also better understand their responsibility in the breakup. You can then draw positives from your “failed” love experience : get to know yourself better, understand what you expect from love, what works and what you need to change.
In the end, you can come out of it more mature and better equipped to succeed in another love story!
Rediscover the joys of friendship
Then comes the time to heal, to open up to life again. We can thus rediscover the joys of friendship: take time for ourselves, for our friends. Damien, 20, says “it’s the best way to move on. I go out with my friends, we go out with guys to bars or restaurants, sometimes we even play sports” .
“It is important to be surrounded, confirms Isabelle Nicolas. It is a process that allows you to realize that you can still have fun. This allows you to find a motivation that is sometimes lost”.
But friends aren’t just for fun or entertainment. Friendship, if it is authentic and deep, is also a real place of relationship, trust, complicity, exchange and affection . Having projects (travel, action) with real friends allows you to rebuild yourself carefully, before relaunching yourself in a new romantic relationship. In friendship, you learn to give and receive, to discuss, to confide, to accept others as they are and even to be faithful.
Moving forward to regain self-confidence
“Another essential step, explains Isabelle Nicolas, is to regain self-esteem. Set yourself a new goal to achieve. This can concern your studies as well as a sport. An activity that proves to you that you can very easily succeed without it. (him)”.
And why this challenge? Quite simply because the emotional wound may have affected the image you have of yourself and your capital of confidence. “I suck”, “I’m not good enough to be loved”, “I’ll never be able to interest anyone”, etc.
To drive away these dark thoughts, rather than throwing yourself into the arms of the first comer, find an activity that helps you move forward, and that shows that you are full of untapped qualities. Caroline, 21, has changed everything about her way of life: “I had a fairly difficult breakup with a boy with whom I stayed for a year. When that was over, I realized that my current life I didn’t like it. I left college and worked on competitions to join Science Po. I was super proud of myself when I saw that I was taken. I have no regrets”.
“She cut ties overnight and hadn’t heard from me for 4 months, testifies Philippe. During all this time I was hoping to receive an answer… and then finally, I realized that it It did me a lot more good to know nothing more about her. It allowed me to move forward, I got involved in my job, in other activities (sport, guitar, going out) and I even took up a bit of my math studies…
Mistakes to avoid
– Relocate at all costs: a “Kleenex relationship” will bring you nothing but a drop in your self-esteem. On the contrary, “learn to respect yourself and make yourself respected”, says Isabelle Nicolas. Take advantage of this time of “celibacy” to reflect on what you want from love and from life.
– Idealize the person who left you, thinking that by continuing to love them, they will come back to us. Something which, in most cases, does not work and which causes even more suffering.
– Want revenge. Usually this falls on our noses, because revenge keeps us focused on the past, which aggravates the wound instead of healing it.
– Try to make her (him) jealous. If the person left you, it has no effect. And again, it keeps you from turning the page and moving forward. You now know what you have to do to get out of this painful passage. (Read Why Are We Jealous?)
A love without rupture, is it possible?
The breakup healed, you are ready for a new adventure. Now is perhaps the time to analyze the road traveled and take advantage of past mistakes. The time especially to reflect on your life project.
“To build a lasting couple, the feeling of love, even very strong, cannot be enough, explains Isabelle Nicolas. You have to build a project in common and commit together to achieve it”…
So what do you want to live? And what do you no longer want to live again? If you know, then your breakup may well have taught you more about yourself. A big step to build a couple project that lasts.
